I wish you’ve been around more so I could listen to your stories about you and grandpa back in the day. I wish you’ve been around more so we could go have an Audrey Hepburn marathon all day long. I wish you’ve been around more so I could give you an Elvis Presley album collection. I wish you’ve been around more so you could see your grandchildren graduate from high school and college. I wish you’ve been around more so I could spoil you with your heart’s desires. I wish you’ve been around more so I could tell you how much I love you.
But you’re gone now and it’s the hardest thing I could ever accept in my life.
There were occurrences that I’ll torture myself with thoughts on those times I didn’t cherish more moments with you or if I’ve ever been rude to you. Other times, I’ll think about how happy you would be because after sixteen years, you’re finally reunited with lolo. Sometimes, it’s a mix of both. These rollercoaster of thoughts always gets me throughout some days and I never told anyone that I’m fighting these battles.
But we all know that we’ll never get you back. I’ll never go home and anticipate the smell of your oils you put on your feet. I’ll never go to Cavite and relish your hugs and kisses and tell me, “how was your trip?”. I’ll never open the fridge and find your medicines and insulin. I’ll never find you in the middle of the night poring over your prayer books. It’s especially hard for our uncle, who depended on you for so many years. He’s a lot more broken than the rest of us. How will he cope? How will he deal with your loss?
Despite these, I know that you’re watching over us and guiding us everyday. I know that you’re in a peaceful place now, hopefully with lolo and dancing to Moon River by Frank Sinatra. We’re all trying to be positive about the whole thing. It’s been tough, but we hope to see brighter days.
I’ll see you soon, golden girl. You’re finally home now, but we’ll miss you every single day.